Contrite

I almost lost my legs today.

That’s terrible, what happened?

I was listening to my music walking back from dinner and a force hit me so hard I almost fell down.

That’s a miracle! Did you see what hit you?

No, you never really see God coming.

Wait-what?

It’s amazing how often I can be struck by God. Especially when I’m feeling so far away. It seems God really doesn’t like long-distance relationships; because whenever I start to drift too far away he closes the distance in a fraction of the time.

I’m confused, how does this relate to you losing your legs? -er, almost.

He showed me just how close He really is to me. And the realization almost took the strength from my legs. I guess a more accurate statement would have been I almost fell down; however, it isn’t any less miraculous.

So you almost fell down? Well, ah, I’m glad that you’re ok.

Thank you.You don’t think it’s amazing very much do you?

I think it would have been more amazing if you HAD fallen to your knees.

I agree. I think I still have too strong a grip on my heart. I’ve heard God wants to make my heart contrite, so that when he reaches out, I react instantly- YES Lord? What do you want from me? What can I do?

I, uh, I mean-

But I keep getting in my own way, why can’t I let go? Why can’t I be the image I see in my head. Why do I keep going on this way when it ISNT what I want. Locking myself up in this little box so that I’m set apart from those around me yet still subjected to the way they view me.

Well, you c-

I don’t know what to do. I can feel this force against me, but I don’t know how to give in to it. TWO DECADES of church attendance, where was the lesson on how to give in to God? Where’s my tutorial? Isn’t that what your teachers, parents elders are supposed to do? Guide you, teach you, show you, Why then am I still here bearing my head against such a loving breeze? How do I submit myself? I’ve done it before haven’t I? Or was I not really submitting even then? Have I always been so personal with my heart God? What can I do to let this go. You speak to me through song, but how can I ever do the same? My words are so inadequate I cant even express what goes on in my heart.

What do you want to say?

Ow. Stop it, it hurts too much, I can’t breathe. And it doesn’t matter how many mezurashii tears spring forth because I still don’t know how to turn that emotion into conviction. I sit in a hurricane of storming emotion trying to figure out how to tame it and bend it to my will.

Maybe it isn’t yours to tame?

Then HOW DO I DO IT?! How do I come before God in an honest manner that truly presents my heart to him? How do I stop not letting go? It’s like a limbo that I continue to force myself through, emotion to apology through over and over, where is repentance? How does one change the behavior he’s learned over a lifetime? How do I abandon myself? Offer myself up to be molded into something different?

Would that be so bad? You know sometimes life takes turns that we don’t expect. Remember David the Shepard boy? It’s easy for us to think back on him as King David; but he didn’t start that way. He didn’t plan to go against a giant, or lead a nation. But he was willing to let God lead him in his life. Do you think he never doubted? Maybe reading Psalms would be a good idea. David wept to be nearer to God, to better understand Him. David ever sought after God, always trying to be more and more the man God wanted him to be. He wasn’t perfect, and he had to fight against his own flesh. But God never left his side, and because David had faith in God to work in his life God was able to do great things through him. You said recently how you wanted to give God your dreams; why not let him dream for you?

I’m scared, that those roads will be like this one. Taking me away from fri- from family. That he would set me down a path of isolation.

Do you really think that? From the first day you got here God has been setting people to walk with you. Have you forgotten the old man on your first train? Who alleviated your anxiety and spoke with you until you were able to rest? Or the next day where you walked all over town with Takahiro and Miki? Or the next when you saw Derek for the first time? Even when you tried to push people away God kept sending them in one after another, each one sticking a little better than the last. Man was not meant to be alone, and God will not leave you abandoned and alone. Especially not on the road he has made out for you.

I don’t know how to let go of this fear; I hear and I understand- well I guess I don’t. Because no matter how much I might reason through it, I can’t say ok.

What about Ashley?

What about it?

Didn’t you give that up?

*sigh* well yeah but, I’m still worried about it.

What are you worried about?

God has a tendency to keep or relationship close, He closes gaps in seconds that I hadn’t even realized had arisen. But she isn’t like that. And I can’t help- no. I keep seeing my future more and more with her being like Katrina; not gone, just mezurashii.

Why are you worried?

Because I don’t want my best friend to go away again.

God will not abandon you. He isn’t your father, he isn’t the circumstance that has followed you all your life, He will Not let you go. Change may come, and it may be unpleasant, but through every loss God has used it to bless you even more! Every spot that was emptied God quickly took the opportunity to fill it to overflowing. If you disagree just remember back when you had just started hanging around the Bradshaws and Brooke’s unconcerned-ness with your personal space. How about when you moved away from your school and friends to a new town where your brother and sister were the only ones you knew? And how God turned your perception of Chris and Patrick on its head? Where misfortune has tried to break you down, God was pulling you into the next adventure.

Yeah…

You’re just like Alex.

Huh?

If you can believe in magic, then everything makes sense.

I don’t think God uses magic…

No, but if you can believe in his word, then everything makes sense. But you have to accept and believe it. It isn’t enough to nod and mutter un as the words float over you. You have to trust Him and believe he means what he says. That when He says He loves you, it isn’t just a tired expression used within families; and he has the greatest evidence to prove it so. You did it with another right? If you can take her at her word, why not God?

You’re right, haha. It’s so silly, that I trust him so completely to fix a bad spot, but think there must be something amiss when he praises me. I’m not small, nor slight. I’m a hand-crafted person made with more love than I can fathom, and I don’t need to be afraid. God you are my God, earnestly I’ll seek you every day. And on the days that I don’t, please come and find me, impress yourself upon my heart. “Because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.”- Hebrews 10:14

Advertisements

5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. samknitsky
    May 26, 2014 @ 13:47:02

    For being so short that sure took a lot…

    Reply

  2. sonshineonrae
    May 26, 2014 @ 18:15:36

    You never cease to amaze me,my son, let it be said that even as the parent we can learn from the child!!!

    Reply

  3. shelleebrooke
    May 28, 2014 @ 03:05:22

    Once again…WOW! teacher, orator, author, interpreter, worshipper all wrapped up in the pursuit of total submission to the Potter. I love your muchness.

    Reply

  4. shelleebrooke
    May 28, 2014 @ 04:32:21

    Reblogged this on shelleebrooke and commented:
    Another outstanding blog by my dear friend Professor Chius.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: