How far is enough?

Hor far from the podium to the the congregation?

Your answer will change from building to building, but I find that the larger the church, the greater the distance. You could argue that a larger church would need the distance so that the speaker could be heard in the back. However, im not sure how being farther from someone is supposed to make hearing easier, and with the new camera thing most churches use, even people far away could feel like the speaker is not three feet from you. And yet still the distance grows.

I came from church this morning, and the worship leader decided to exchange an impersonal [you] with each attendee`s name. Something about this activity really made the space (though there isnt much to begin with) vanish. And whats more, as a church grows, so does the seating capacity. And yet for some reason those front seats are so often empty. Unless they are filled with fervant youths who arent afraid of what God has to say to them. Why do we as adults shy away from what God has to say? And why do our churches seem to propogate this practice?

I`m wondering what the proper distance from the podium is. Particularly as I sit about as FAR back as I can in almost every situation. Mainly to disconnect myself from whatever body I am visiting at the time. Because without fail, EVERY pastor will at some point ask you to say something to someone around you. This is one reason I prefer to sit a bit more out of the way, but even then, SOMEONE always sees that outlier and says, Boy, they really want someone to say goodmorning to them.

Selfishness aside, why do so many people migrate to the edges? What is the matter with sitting next to somebody that you dont know? Arent you both in that row for the same purpose? Or are we too afraid that its the people within the church who will really judge us for the way that we are living. I wanna hear other peoples thoughts, I know this is kinda messy so lemme summarize it.

Why is there so much space between speaker and listener?

Why does the [body] tend to look more like an amoeba with the way it spreads across the room?

Gomenne

 I want to say this in advance.

Im sorry.

Im sorry that I want to go home. im sorry that ill be comparing my new home with the old, i promise to do it as little as i can. im sorry that im not a good student. sorry that your help makes me feel more like giving up than pressing on. im sorry for running off after my own dreams instead of staying to heal wounds and build roads through the mountains they said were impossible. im sorry for that which i was absnt for. im sorry that im not what you deserve. however, maybe theres a chance, that youre okay with that. could it be perhaps that i have something that you want? there are times when i dont want to speak. when the silence will let me think and it isnt a crime. but who will sit in silence with me. the weight is often too great to bear. bare? beere. silence can be devastating but also refreshing. words aren’t needed here, be calm. stare backwards into th gray fog and let your mind walk across the water. it isnt far, you know. to hushabye mountain, where that tunnel was being forged. why ever did it stop. supply trains move people who mov mountains with faith like seeds waiting to beplanted in beds and spout forth fruitfrom raspberries to snozberries. who ever heard of a mountain being moved. silly child, thats wh we have wings, so that we can fly thriugh it.youe not making sense, because we yearn to soar. so we do in our own way dragging our feathers alog the ground like a childs blanket. so many colorsthat rug of clthe contains the materials of a roadof rainbow hearts racing down at blazing speeds burnout ng up the memories left unatended. till what is left. im sorry, but im afraid i dont remember you vey well. but from what i can recall, you are someone i woild like to know. would you mind terribly if we took some time and got to know one another? we could sit and drink and listen as the sound interuppted the silence.

Kimochi wo aruku

Whew.

so my comp is undrr the weather right now, and as awesome as my vita is, typing out a blog is going to be rather frusrratin if i dint let errors slide. so sorry for that. Id lik to give a foreward of contents, to give a preview, and keep me on track, but again….vita no like dat. so here…

sadness frm lets play

communicating with home

talk wih megumi

and then there might be some other stuff also.

Today i went to a bible sudy and we didnt even look at the reading. Megumi wanted to know a little about what had ben going on the past week, as I was havin trouble….rain sound is good….and didnt go to church thispas sunay. this ended up leading to a VRY long discussion about me and my heart, and how my heart and head are two different  devices that function for the ame person. also some other stuff that was sai in japanese that i couldnt understand. 

wwe talked about howim rlly defensive and stubborn to take on new ideas and how this stems from the only parent I trust wihh my whole heart is God and how that stems from issues I pu myelf thriuhh bac in highschool, which boohoo, was the worst time in my life to date. And it may siund heartless to say Idont trust my parents  or those I look up to as if they were, its whar really goes on within. I still look to them for help and advice, but its different. I know, because Iremember it being different. I also remember when it changd. 

maybe it is just something from myperspective, cool. that means thre is lessto fix.

but that all Ithink needs akeyboard and a bit more walking.

Next lets look at communicating. I HATE, God forgive me, my phone. Nothing short of porn has ever made such a strong senseless obsession in my life as I look at the d…dashing screen countless times a night looking to see if somebody rached out. tonight I was lucky and got a fix, thanks again ifyou ever read this Ash. But I dont like this always looking to see if there is  a message.and rather than just complain i want to ac. i wanta home phone. where people can caall and leav a messge if thy need to, and hve my cell cabaple of calls only, and eve then only give it to people who would NEED to contact me wih something REALLY IMPORTANT. this will be rather east as I need a new phone number whe i get aack home. 

im ready to let go of the weght i picked ip with that little red device and cool rider on summer nights.welll, part ofthat weight haha

so arond to the third. thanks for being patient with the spelling. the lets play thing triggered the sadness, but its all ariund, offering, not threatening, to engulf me. becuse past experience says i will ask it to. i watched a video of a few guys doing something awesome….i love the way little granmothers hiuse smelled..its similar to how the inside of that armoir smelled…..and i thought of Andrew. and an intnse sadness just smacked me in the gob. sadness and fear go well together. like doing number one while tring to gt number two out. yiure here, two birds one stone, all sweet relief. thiuhh sadneess,fear combo isnt somthing to be desird.

i find thsdifficult to disuss, simply because i dont know words. what do you do when you have a word that wont translate? you try to describe it, but that weird serpent lady just tells you your sun is imagined from the liht bulb and just sitback in her silvery chair NO THANK YOU! just because i cant explain it to youdoes not make it less real, it was that way for the sun, that way for my emtions, that way for grace. 

my way of recovey is simply to experience, i, dont know what else to do. listen to music, play guitar, talk to God, get angry at, run to the middle of a rink yelling at him and have police come to investigate….well thats rare. i just cant explain this force, i can merely walk through it. kimochi wo aruku. 

and this is for almost everything i feel. the gratfulness to my grandparents for not ratting me out and letting mom find my history on her own. the thanks i hav to peopel who put me up in tims of dire need, I HAVE FELT HOMELESS A LOT THE PAST YEAR AN A HALF! the love i have for some, and then livei hav for others. these words are inaddequate, because they dont give you tha emotion. if you arereally empathetic or andrew maybe you can, but mostly this is all just lost on peole. sue they can go wow, looks lik youre going through a hard time, praying for you. but thats it. 

it is so frustrating to me that the ONLY person who actually gets it stays so quiet. speaking so subtly i cant even tell its him! it makes m so mad tht he won just pick up the phone and say hi, or say he wats to do brunch. and if its because MY hart is too noisy to hear him, thats EVEN WORSE! How am i supposed to turn thi stuff off? it doesnt! unless i deprive my body of sleep and nobody should be ariund me then.

hum….two am. i hav a oral interveiw tommorw at nine, followed by anoher class because a midterm oral exm would justbe too easy by itself. alarge sakubun after and somewhere in thi i ned to sketfh  a map for he event wer doing in july. and n all that it is so hard to remember to give thanks. i get to study a language i love to the point of wanting to stop, so you know the love is strng because im still studying it come fall. i ony have half of my three hiur clas becausethe first half is reseved for the mensetsu. and i love sakubun…..o yeah, essays lol…. this map isnt neded just an idea i had to bring more life to the shet and at the end of the day, maybe i can play a board gaame or two if the work doesnt take too long.

long day. how many of you would advise i stop and go to bed? i imagne alot. could be wrong. but trying to sleep on a sick heart is as bad for me as sleeping on a hot head. dont let the sun set on your wrath. but i think im outta words anyway. o well.

one lawt note. about the parental stuff earlier, it never comes up never cause im downright terrified to brig it up. but i wanna love yiu with the truth, cuz that is what could lead to fixing the issue. and today i realized that for a LONG time, ive cast aside the idea ofparents. and i dont like that, i want to mend that thinking. so no more silence. ima walk through these flames and see what the fire holds.